1. Is Lady Gaga a man?

Perhaps a more valid question here would be, Is Lady Gaga a human?

2. Is tonsilitis contagious?

Not unless you spend most of the day with your tongue shoved down another person’s throat like it’s an extreme sport.

3. Is It You lyrics

Owing to constraints of space and taste, I will now shaft you off to this website instead of reprinting said lyrics here. And don’t come back.

4. Is shingles contagious?

To be honest, I wasn’t really sure about this one. But after an in-depth medical consult with Snorlax, Our Lord and Saviour, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to be sure is to find someone with shingles and try your luck.

5. Is ANZAC Day a public holiday?

Well, duh. How are you supposed to watch ABC1’s coverage of the march if you’re at work playing solitaire like any other day?

6. Is Pluto a planet?

No, he’s a dog.

7. Is Zeke alive?

Despite my best attempts at repression, my subconscious informs me that this question relates to some white bred kid on Neighbours. In which case, I hope not.

8. Is Michelle Obama pregnant?

According to the opening credits of the third season of The Chaser’s War on Everything, she is carrying a Sicilian Sydneysider called Chas Licciardello.

9. Is This Love lyrics.

No, it f*ing isn’t.

10. Is There a God?

Yes.

So it’s Day 6 and I’m kinda sleepy and kind of busy watching the strange, sick world and moving bodice ripper that is The Bold and The Beautiful, but here’s what I’ve got for y’all anyways.

Some genius photoshopper called Longmire has done what so many of us have only dreamed of doing before — taken a bunch of romance novel covers and “corrected” their titles. Here are some choice samples:

Major LOL. Though if you think these titles are hilarious, just wait ’til you see tomorrow’s real covers. As far as I’m concerned they should be reshelved in the horror section.

For five years now Nare and I have been members of the National Gallery of Victoria (NGV), though not for the art so much as the free cookies in the members’ room. But still, occasionally we find time to actually go and look at an exhibition, and recently we went to see Persuasion: Fashion in the Age of Jane Austen at the NGV’s St Kilda Road gallery. I studied Sense and Sensibility in Lit last year and even wrote my final exam essay on it, so it was kind of nice to revisit the period through attire immediately familiar to anyone who’s seen one or two Austen costume dramas. But mostly I was just glad women aren’t expected to wear corsets or 50 kilos of ruffles anymore.

One particular piece in the exhibition caught my eye more than any other, however.

It was the only non-period costume in the exhibition, it’s claim to fame being that it was made for and worn by Colin Firth when he played Mr Darcy in the now-legendary 1995 mini series adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. More than that though, the white undershirt — claims the plaque next to the exhibit — could in fact be the famous shirt.

Yes, that one! (post lake). The curators weren’t exactly sure though, but no doubt hundreds of fangirls and boys will dream anyway ;) Which leads me to my slightly tenuous argument that the novels of Jane Austen can be included in Bodice Ripper Week, minus the actual explicit bodice ripping. Because really, they have all the hallmarks of a modern Mills & Boon: arsehole romantic lead who is either turned good or shown to be less of an arsehole than originally thought by the female protagonist’s integrity and sense of moral blah, multiple nasty love rivals, much hijinks and romantic misunderstandings, and a church bell peal of a happy ending. Except that in between all of this is, you know, like, wit and stuff.

Oh well, whatever your opinion on Austen or the rending of clothes in pursuit of literary titillation, go see the exhibition while it’s still on. And don’t forget to enter the competition to win a free copy of my zine, How to Write a Mills & Boon-esque Bodice Ripper Novel! No one’s entered yet, so your chances are pretty good :D

Exciting preview of tomorrow’s post: when it’s OK to judge a book by it’s cover.

But none of this is any excuse to skimp on Bodice Ripper Week. And so…

…instead of doing anything original I’m posting a link to a very excellent and equally hilarious interview conducted by Alan Brough with guests Candy Tan and Sarah Wendell, discussing both their book Beyond Heaving Bosoms and the romance genre more widely. Anyway, as you can imagine given the topic, the podcast is simultaneously enlightening and extremely cringe-worthy, and was a great thing to listen to when I was writing my zine (*spruik spruik*).  So go listen to it! And don’t forget to check out Candy and Sarah’s blog too — there’s treasure in there, me hearties. And before I forget…

Exciting preview of tomorrow’s post: Colin Firth. Darcy. Wet shirt.

Need I say more?

In other news: it is cold. I have an Elmo hoodie.

(via Hel).

My favourite suggestion is care of all those junkies planning to travel overseas (and at the same time wondering how long it will take to get the proper documentation) or participate in competitive sport and are worried that wee line of ecstasy could get in the way. And as for how long twilight goes for, well, I guess that depends what time of year it is and where you are in the world. Or to answer the hordes of tween fangirls that are the more likely cause of this autofill’s inclusion: too long, much too long.

Now if only he could take my place at school assembly tomorrow. Somehow I have the feeling all those high school inmates could learn a lot more about getting an obscenely high ENTER from him than me.

[via Hel].

Update: in retrospect I wouldn’t wish three consecutive school assemblies on anyone, but at least no one threw things at me while I was at the lectern. 

Today, there is no such sense:  

“uncle removing aunty bra in bed”.

OK, what? Why? And how on earth did my blog come up in the search results when someone googled that? At any rate, not the most comforting way to wake up in the morning.

[2 hours later].

Well, that was energising! And certainly did a good job of halting the completion of this post. Bless you, Boggle!

Another online quiz I recently stumbled on was a spelling test from the UK Guardian, no doubt created to prove the results published in their article bemoaning the UK and US as countries of poor spellers. Now I generally consider myself above average at spelling, but my score of 14/20 sent a proverbial well aimed kick the way of my ego. More annoying though was the test’s decree that it wouldn’t want to play Scrabble with me, presumably because of my deficiencies in letter ordering. Well, I wouldn’t want to play Scrabble with a flipping web page to begin with, but we all know winning a game of Scrabble has less to do with spelling prowess and a lot more to do with underhanded tactics anyway.

So the next time you want to get out of doing something worthwhile/important/necessary in order to keep your job, just google away mindlessly until you find something mildly addictive (and I’m not talking about online shops and “herbal remedies”). For example, in the time it took to write this post I could have started my second TESOL elective, written about two paragraphs of Camille (three words of which would have gone on to see the light of day), or walked to the plaza to pick Mum some yoghurt up so she doesn’t go into lactose withdrawal. All thanks to the powers of procrastination (now recruiting)!

It hasn’t been released yet, but promises “bone crunching zombie action” interspersed with Austen’s original text. I know I want a copy (particularly after dragging myself through Sense and Sensibility last year — and that was without the much-needed ending where Colonel Brandon devours Marianne’s brains at the altar). Now who thinks I should email VATE and ask them to put this on next year’s Year 12 Literature syllabus?